Cold Drank

Ether.

I used to have more friends. Anyone who has been my friend knows two things about me. 1. I have invented a ton of rhetorical phrases and styles that you hear on television, movies, music and literature. 2. There is no proof to my claim of inventing a ton of rhetorical phrases and styles that you hear on television, movies, music and literature.

Quiet as it’s kept, I think I started the oversized white t-shirt in ’97, paying for your school lunch with penny rolls in ’92, and the played out blazer over your white tee in 2002. Give me shine! And I think I coined the words and phrases, “nigga do what a nigga does” “trill” “meager funds” “feeling lessthan” “nappy pubic hair” and “nigga, I’m scared to death.”

But there’s no proof, so I wanted to share with ya’ll some new phrases for 2008. Since the internet is the home of theft, you can go ahead and steal my shit. For real. John McCain already did. Don’t even worry about giving me credit. Deep down, though, I want you to remember who invented these phrases, and if you need some more, you got my math. Contact me.

Without further adieu, I give you … that new shit for 2008.

“That Diet Love” — new name for a relationship that thrives on sex and no other emotional, psychological or intellectual connection. “Oh. It feels like we really really love each other … but only when we’re in the midst of fucking. You know, I guess we’re both in that diet love.”

“That Tyler Perry” — new name for Growth Hormone, Steroids, Speed, or any performance enhancing drug after Perry purportedly had steroids shipped in his name to his Atlanta-based offices in 2005 and 2006. “Damn! My dude, your arms, head and neck are crazy swole but the rest of you is leaning out. Oh shit. You must be on That Tyler Perry? Let me find out!”

“A Greg Louganis” — Very few people will be able to use this one. If you eat lots of fruits and vegetables and drink water, you might be lucky enough to produce the kind of shit/waste/dookie that doesn’t plop. Rather, it slides right in the water, snakes up, and gives you that clean break with no splash. “Last week, that Cheddar Cheese, grilled meats and Diet Coke had me dying, girl. I was all stopped up. But that juice and veggie cleanse got me feeling right! Just had me A Greg Louganis this morning and now I’m good to go.”

“Begging for the Bullet” — This is a really new one. It has been a long time coming and really, this one has its genesis in Bruce Lee and the rush of kids taking martial arts in the 80′s. Since then, we have Mixed Martial arts and UFC at all time high. This means that tons of mostly white boy (who you would think can’t fight a lick) now take pride in choking a Nigga out in 5 seconds or less. Being shot is often preferable to these kinds of choke outs by these white boys.

Testing these UFC, sunken eyed, wide-back, white boys can end with your ass on the ground, spitting up food you forgot you’d eaten. After the choke-out, your boys might come to your attention and say, “Damn son, you okay? You got choked the fuck out. That white boy had you begging for a bullet, huh?” Battle rappers might also end verses with “… had the heater cocked and aimed/ but why would I pull it/ my rhyme rocked and maimed/ you know he begging for a bullet.”

“A Deez Nutz Name” — if you have a strange name like Kiese, Vladimetx or Hasynati, then you have a Deez Nuts name. Deez Nuts names are names that, upon hearing or reading for the first time, make folks say, “Wait. Who?” Instead of saying the 90′s born “Deez Nuts,” it is now simply understood that the person has a Deez Nuts name. Don’t sleep on A Deez Nuts Name.

And if you have A Deez Nuts Name, don’t shorten it or sell-out for monetary gain or social acceptability. That shit stays with you for life. When I was a young sell-out in the 3rd grade, the class at my new school couldn’t pronounce my name so I told them that my real name was Kevin. Then, later I said Keith because Kiese was too African, too black and too much of A Deez Nuts Name. I should have my back broken or my check garnished for the next 15 years for that sell out move. All praise is due to A Deez Nuts Name.

“Getting Your Blog On” — sexual encounter that is as short as a quickie, meaningless as a one night stand and filled with more rhetoric, goofy sound bites and sexual cliches than actual action. When a couple is getting their blog on, you might hear very little bed squeaking and lots of, “You like it when I talk dirty, right? Of course, you do. If we were in the middle of volcano right now, what would you want me to do with the lava? Yeah … me too. Wait, take my sock off. Now stuff it slightly in my mouth. Kiss me. Wait. It stanks too much? Okay. Just spank my ears then …”

Listeners of this encounter might see you the next day and say, “Nigga, I don’t know what you smiling about. Don’t lie. You didn’t do no serious fucking last night. I heard you getting your blog on.”

****

I got a thousand more in the vault. Let me know if you need some. In the mean time, feel free to add to this important list with your inventive phrases. Word on the street is that John McCain got a hold of an early draft of my list. He bit my style y’all. They’ve got him on tape saying,

“So what if my arms are shorter than the penis of the red-faced asshole over at Fox who was Getting His Blog On his employee. I’ll be damned if I lose to a half and half with A Deez Nuts Name. That kind of defeat would have me Begging for a Bullet or for real campaign finance reform. I’m white and I was a prisoner of war. Don’t they remember? What war did the young fucker with A Deez Nuts Name fight. War on Drugs? He lost that war and sniffed cocaine. That should be enough. Do the American people really need to know more about me to feel sorry for me? Do they need to know that I haven’t had A Greg Louganis since age 4? Do they want me to get on That Tyler Perry so I can change my type-haggard appearance?

“Maybe I should leak video of me getting some of That Diet Love in the 80′s. I went for mine. Americans love male hos, right? What about reformed male hos? Fuck! Why is this so hard? I’m white and American and warrior and America is a scary place. So what if it looks like my face is melting off; I’m still a protector. He’s half white with black lips and A Deez Nuts Name. A Deez Nuts fucking Name! What happened to my country? These disloyal cock-suckers make me ill. I want to throw my hands up and holler, but my shoulders hurt too much …”

Ether.

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